Time Flies & Stops

Ramon took another load of ny stuff yesterday. I’m down to my computer and a suitcase full of clothes. I’ve also got a bed and desk, but the bed is going to the dump and the desk is going to Phaedra, so they’re not coming with me.

On Friday, Ramon gets the keys to the apartment we will both be living in. He’s not moving in until the 7th of July, when I’m with him, but he’s taking the various carloads of ny stuff there, as well as starting to move his own possessions.

I have a three day weekend and will spend at least some of it putting primer on my bedroom walls and just… nothing feels like my space anymore. My stuff is gone and my room is so empty and it feels like such a weird pseudo-transition. *Technically* I’m going to the US for three weeks as vacation, then coming back to Canada for the interview and to wait for my passport return.

Just… its all happening so fast and slow at the same time. Working really long days to get as much OT in as possible and while its tough to be motivated to work, I’m slogging through it.

Just… Ready for my transition period to really start.

A Mish-Mash of Things

Took a bit of a posting break. It’s been hectic here for the last few weeks. I was really sick with a lung infection and basically laying in bed for a week. Can’t really afford that pay cut for a week, but we’ll make it work.

I’ve also officially given my notice at work. Last day will be July 6th. 10 shifts to go after the one today. That’s pretty daunting to think about, how soon that time is approaching. I’m already getting a little nostalgic, but I’m sure I’ll get a terrible call shortly that will curb those feelings.

In addition to all of that, I had my immigration medical yesterday. There was a bit of a nightmare afterwards with my doctor fighting the panel physician over a tetanus shot. I can’t say it was a good time and the whole situation caused concerns with my blood pressure, but it seems to be sorted out, at least for now. I posted a full summary of what happened in the Canada section on VJ, as well as flocked on LJ, so I don’t feel like delving into it again. As of now, I’m waiting for them to send me the medical, but the tetanus shot and blood pressure won’t be an issue.

Everything is moving along, which is nice. Getting a little anxious about plans. I checked something off my “to do before leaving Canada” list. Went to Port Dover with Ramon, got some nice pictures and saw all the old places. I was supposed to go to Dad’s and Nana’s graves yesterday after the medical, but with all the running around and tetanus shot stress, it didn’t happen.

I don’t know that I’ll get an opportunity now, but that’s okay. My brother and I went through a box of Dad’s stuff that we hadn’t looked at yet. It was emotional, but I’m glad we did it.

Just heard from Ramon that he successfully got his car full of my stuff across the border. About 75% of what I own has now been moved… wow.

Family Weekend

Oh my god, this weekend… I don’t even know where to start, really. So. The plans were simple enough:

Saturday: Dress shopping, Ramon’s family coming to town, dinner with his family and my mom/brother
Sunday: Engagement party, Ramon’s family leaves.

To start, I got really sick this week. Like, hacking cough and sore throat and fever sick. And due to my desire to stay employed another month and my employer’s problematic attendance policy and penchant to disagree with a certain diagnosis despite two doctors signing off on it… I had to keep going to work while feeling like complete and utter shit. So I suffered through the week, barely slept at all due to the coughing and end up having to be sent home from work on Friday (Which may cost me my job, we’ll find out Tuesday when I go back). Moral of this paragraph is that I started off this weekend exhausted, stressed, sick and then I got my period.

Friday night I could not sleep at all. I cumulatively got about 3 hours… on top of all the coughing I also had insane lower back pain where I was basically doubled over. My friend Natasha was picking us up at 11 to go to the bridal store in Mississauga (Due to needing to order the dress in the states we had to go to David’s Bridal since they work between both countries.). The always lovely Phaedra went and got me some pain compresses for my back that were helping marginally and we left town in a thunderstorm, crammed into Natasha’s little car. (Me, Phae, Joy, our friend Jen & my friend Natasha).

We made it to Mississauga and my back was just in excruciating pain again and we get to the store and it’s a madhouse. We have an appointment but people are running around stressed out and we learn the construction next door has fucked something up and flooded half the store. They’re down to only a couple dressing rooms, all the appointments are behind, they might be closing the store, etc. I’m already in a great mood because I’m 1) sick 2) overtired 3) in pain 4) a generally stressed out person. We tell them we’re from out of town but there’s people there from farther than us and it’s just a madhouse.

So, I sit down… Natasha and Phaedra go and look around and come back to say that the area with the plus size dresses is not part of what’s closed off and we might as well just look. I’m… pretty upset at this point and in a lot of pain and I just want to go home but they (thankfully) convince me to look at dresses. I’ll admit my heart wasn’t really in it and I’m mostly just going “blah” and trying not to fall down from pain. So we wander by all the racks and Phae and Jen try to get my interest with “Oh this is pretty” etc and I’m having none of it. Finally, we decide to pull out my phone and at the very least look at the one dress I’d seen online that I was really interested in trying on. So we dig up the model number, find it, and Jen and Phae are forcing me into it in the half-flooded store and I have a baseball hat on for goodness sake!

And it’s perfect. The sample dress was my size and I sorted just shimmied my shirt off under it and there were tears maybe from being so relieved that it looked so good and was everything I wanted or maybe just because I didn’t think I’d even get a dress on. They get Joy and Natasha and we all sorta stand there and there’s some crying and emotions and making sure I’m okay with not trying on any other dresses and that sort of thing… But at the risk of sounding hokey and ridiculous it was the exact dress I wanted. I’d tried to avoid getting too attached before we went to the store in case it didn’t look great or I didn’t give other dresses a chance but… the store was flooded and hectic and it looked perfect on me.

So we left. (Ramon’s mom is ordering the dress for me from the American store) and since we were way ahead of schedule and it was a torrential downpour, we went and got lunch and it was pretty nice. But my back was just killing me…

When we came home, Ramon had taken my desk apart and moved my poor computer onto my old little one (The monitor doesn’t FIT. It’s TERRIBLE) because I’ve sold my big (beautiful, amazing, OMGIMISSITALREADY) desk since I can’t take it with me to Michigan. I laid down for an hour (but didn’t sleep) and then we went and got my mother. I had to spend a few hours with her which weren’t the worst ever but I still felt like crap and she’s… difficult to deal with. Then we picked up my brother (who refused to come in on the earlier train like Mom did) and went to meet Ramon’s family for dinner.

Now his family drove six hours to come to this party, and since our families had never met we decided to do dinner with just my mom and brother the night before. So we go to the restaurant and this is the group:

-Me (Sick and in pain and barely able to stand up)
-Ramon (A little on edge from dealing with my incessant whining for the last few days and stressed)
-My Mom (Really really bad at social situations)
-My Brother (Completely unpredictable)
-Ramon’s Mom (Who’s really nice)
-Ramon’s Sister (Also really nice)
-Ramon’s Grandmother (His mom’s mother, not entirely mobile, uses a walker, quiet)
-Ramon’s Aunt (Mom’s sister, who went straight from a 6 hour flight into a 6 hour car ride to get there)
-Ramon’s Father (His parents have been divorced for 20 years and I’ve only met his dad twice)
-Ramon’s Father’s Girlfriend (Who I’ve met once and… tries too hard and Ramon is having issues with)

Just… yeah. It went fine but I have never been so stressed out about a meal in my life. My brother just didn’t say anything, his dad’s girlfriend was really awkward, Ramon’s dad was really awkward with his mom, his aunt was tired, my mom was awkward… nothing awful happened but I was so tense and in pain the entire time. Ramon was supposed to pick up the cheque but he was at the other end of the table and they asked his dad what was being done with the bill and we got deperate bills delivered, so that got nixed. (Which I’m fine with, but it was still kinda awkward).

His family went back to their hotel, my mom and brother went to my aunt’s where they were staying, we went home and watched Doctor Who.

Then I had a few hours of horror where I was so stressed out about the next day that I couldn’t sleep at all and was like crying and coughing and my back hurt and just… ugh. Joy drugged me with cold meds and I passed out but I was up and down all night.

The next day… fuck I was so nervous. To recap: My mom’s two sisters are really rich and wanted to throw an engagement party. Which turned into almost everyone from my mom’s side of the family, some of my dad’s side (for the unaware my parents had an incredibly ugly divorce and then he died immediately afterwards and cut me out of his will) and the above mentioned group of Ramon’s family who came over from Michigan. Phae and Joy and our friend Jen came along too, which was really nice.

I was really stressed and there were some awkward moments (The two biggest being with each of my dad’s brothers who were sort of side-eyeing the entire event) and my cousin gave a nice speech and there was food and cake and I said the same things over and over again to relatives I haven’t seen in years. I had my picture taken so often I could barely see, but this is the only one I have right now:

Me, Phae, Jen, Joy

Not a great picture since it was one of a thousand being taken and when I get a nice copy of one of the ones of Ramon and I, I’ll post that too… but while I’m eternally glad that everything went off mostly really well, I just… the stress of it all and I was still getting over being sick and my back hurts and just… god.

We get back to the apartment around 3:30 and I learn I’m supposed to entertain my mom and brother until 9:00 that night… which… no. So we get in the car and Ramon just drives them home (an hour away) instead of waiting for their train. Best decision we’ve ever made. So they’re home, my family has dispersed, Ramon’s family is all safely back in Michigan and nothing too horrible happened… but I still feel like shit and my back hurts and my head hurts and I feel tense from being so stressed out and I don’t actually know yet if I’ve gotten fired or not.

And I am so crappy at family gatherings… I’m so glad almost nobody related to me will be at the wedding. Friends are so much more fun.

Six Things I Want To Do Before Leaving Canada

Probably a relatively lame list, by most standards. Still, worth getting down. In no particular order:

-Take a trip to Canada’s Wonderland. I grew up so close to there yet its been a couple years since I’ve gone. I love roller coasters and rides and I’d really like to go once more.

-Visit Port Diver. Seems silly, as none of my family are in the area anymore and the cottage is gone, but I’d like to go back one more time. See the pier, see the familiar places, eat at my favourite spots and basically say a goodbye.

-Visit Nana’s grave. I haven’t been, which bothers me. I should go, before I leave.

-Visit Dad’s grave. Still undecided on this one, just given the issues. But I feel like I should, so we’ll see. Maybe after my medical since I’ll be downtown Toronto already.

-See my family, which is being taken care of for me this weekend. Still incredibly nervous about it, but I’m glad its happening. I might have a different opinion this weekend, though.

-Have a Waterloo day. Go to WLU and use my alumni discount for a new hoodie since mine is old and dead. Go through Waterloo Park, eat at Symposium, etc. Everything except Mel’s, since that’s gone. Phae and I talked about it, we’ll probably do this sometime after my interview while I await my passport.

Somewhat lame, in terms of a “moving away forever bucket list”, but that’s me .

A Schedule

Let’s try this again… I’ve been trying to write a post for a while, it has just been really hectic lately. There’s a lot coming up and I’ve spent a lot of time doing what I can to prepare. The plan over the next few months is simple, though…

June 4th: Dress shopping in the morning and dinner in the evening with my mom and brother plus all of Ramon’s family who are coming to town for…

June 5th: …engagement party. Thrown by my aunt and involving all of my mom’s family, most of my dad’s family and a large chunk of Ramon’s family. And hopefully a copious amount of cash gifts.

June 6th: Ramon will still be here, take a trip to donate clothes and toys I’ve decided not to bring.

June 7th: Ramon goes home with some of my stuff.

June 19th: Ramon comes back, we go to my mom’s house for the night.

June 20th: Medical in Toronto, then back to KW.

June 21st: Ramon leaves, takes more of my stuff.

June 23rd: give two weeks notice at work. Celebrate a lot!

July 6th: probable last shift, yay!

July 7th: whittle my life down to one suitcase for a month, put everything else in TBD storage location.

July 8th: take my bed to the dump, prime my bedroom in the apartment, leave for Michigan.

July 9th: spend a few days sorta moving into our place (though most of my stuff will stay in storage in Canada)

July 12ish: drive to Minnesota for camping trip.

July 20ish: back to Michigan. Spend a week or so getting interview documents ready.

Aug 1st: drive back to KW, spend night on Joy and Jen’s couch.

Aug 2nd: drive to Montreal, stay in hotel, hopefully see Maia for dinner.

Aug 3rd: interview! Then drive back to KW. Celebrate, stay on,Joy & Jen’s couch.

Aug 4th: Ramon leaves with more of ny stuff. I stay with Joy and Jen until my passport comes back.

Aug 10ish: hopefully soon, get my passport back. Ramon returns, get the rest of my stuff from storage, move to Michigan!

Sept 17th: Wedding

So, yeah, lots to do. Hopefully everything works out and I won’t be stuck unemployed on Joy and Jen’s couch for too long.

Bad Timing

One of the biggest dissatisfiers with my current employment is the shift I’ve been getting. Since we expanded our department’s hours back in January, I’ve been on some variation of 4-midnight or within 30 minutes of that. Shifts are allocated by seniority and preference and its all very fair, it just sucks. My seniority with the department is high (I moved up very quickly) but my company seniority isn’t. As a result, most of the people we hire into the department are new to the role, but took longer to get there and outrank me.

Needless to say, its been frustrating.

I don’t mind working later, but this particular shift has just been really hard on me. Never talking to anyone, never seeing anyone… its been tough.

Our new shifts start June 12th. I managed to get Tuesday to Saturday (which I don’t mind) and hours of 12:30-8:30. This is fabulous! Early enough to not feel like I’m on the opposite schedule of everyone I know, but not so early as to make me exhausted

And, that’s the shift going into summer! Fantastic!

…except it will only be for about a month, as then I will be quitting.

I know there are lots of other problems with my job, the shift was a factor but not by any means the only one… its just sort of hilarious that I finally got something better when its nearly too late to enjoy it.

Still, that will be nice for my last few weeks.

Now there’s a plan.

Things are calmer now. It was a bit of a whirlwind week, but things have smoothed over. I came very close to getting fired, thanks to some stupid work policies regarding medical conditions. While it wouldn’t have been the end of the world, losing work 2 months before planned wouldn’t have been the easiest thing, financially.

More importantly though, we have our interview booked. August 3rd is a long way away, and when I first booked it I found it difficult not to feel disheartened. But its been nearly a week and Ramon and I have gone over a lot of things and it seems like its going to work out fine.

My main concerns with the august date boiled down to having to stay at work longer (this job is seriously killing me) and not having anywhere to live as of the end of July. Ramon and I went through things and we’ve got a plan I’m relatively happy with.

As it stands now, I’ll still be leaving work in the middle of July. We’re going to Minnesota from July 15-20 and it just doesn’t make sense to take that vacation time from work because I’d need to pay it back after quitting, anyway. So I’ll give my notice in order to leave around July 12th, and we’ll drive to Minnesota for the camping trip. From there, we’ll go back to Michigan and I’ll spend a couple of days with Ramon before heading back to Ontario.

I’ve arranged to stay with a friend after the interview until my passport comes back, and while that would be a boring week on a couch with no computer or money or job, it’s the only option.

So, I’m out of this hell hole job within the next two months and will be making the Minnesota trip *and* we’ve set a wedding date.

September 17th.

For all the delays and for all the stress and worry… we’ve got that, now.

What Fresh Hell?

Well, we can book our interview. This would be amazing and exciting news, except when I log in to book the interview there is only one date available. And that date is this coming Monday.

I can’t interview that soon, it would be logistically impossible to get the medical done in time. Not enough turnaround for the results, etc.

So its sitting there and mocking me whenever I log in and as per usual, everything is in hold pending the consulate in Montreal smartening the fuck up. Work is miserable right now and being this close but not having anything finalized is making me sick to my stomach.

I’m worried about the medical because the documentation the doctor gave me regarding my vaccines doesn’t seem sufficient. I can’t book the medical until I have the interview date and I need plenty of time between in case there are issues. The entire thing is making me want to throw up.

I barely slept last night because I kept getting out of bed to refresh and find out if there was a different interview date available. I’m so terrified this will continue for weeks, teasing me with the final step of this process but unable to do anything to complete it.

I’m tired of my life being on hold.

Something isn’t right here

Growing up, weekends were the best. No school! Play with your friends! From Friday afternoon until Sunday night, life was perfect and commitment-free. Sure, there were sometimes birthday parties or family things or swim meets (in my case) but the happiness of a weekend was still there.

Then you get older. Still no school but you probably had to work on the weekend. A little less fun, but still usually a happier time. Anticipated.

I’ve reached a point where I hate weekends. I don’t work a Monday-Friday job, so Saturday and Sunday are virtually indistinguishable from any other day of the week. I get up, I go to work, I come home. The bus schedules are less convenient, but otherwise… nothing.

But now a weekend means two days of no possible change in our case. No chance that I’ll get word we can book our interview. No chance that anything will change because the people who hold the future of my life in their hands aren’t forced to work on weekends. I have to be accessible to the demands of customers until all hours of the night on weekends. We’re told over and over that its important we don’t hold customers hostage. We need to be not just accessible to them, but have managers available for them to escalate to from 7am until midnight, 7 days a week. Their demands for iPhones and unwillingness to pay their bills must be met instantly, says my employer!

Yet those who control the futures of people undergoing a difficult process only need to work 9-5 on weekdays.

Priorities are pretty messed up in this world.

Counting down the seconds until Monday, when its back to the possibility of progress.

Positivity

It’s a beautiful day outside. Ignoring that I’m writing this on my phone, chained to my desk at work, there’s still a really nice energy here today. Hopefully it will stick through the day!

Woke up and checked VJ to find out that Montreal had a whole bunch of May dates today. My need for a June date might be met after all. They haven’t logged our P3 or anything, but sometime next week we should be cleared to book it. I want everyone to send us good happy June-related thoughts, please? I’m feeling a lot more optimistic than I had been, which is good.

I feel bad that this process has taken over my mood so thoroughly. It’s tied into work and how unhappy I am there, but when the end is in sight and I’ll get to know *when* I’m quitting and moving and marrying the love of my life… yeah, that’ll help. A lot.

My life will become consumed by wedding planning and moving planning and packing and painting and so many *things* that will hopefully take away from the monotony of working and waiting and being miserable and missing Ramon.

So. Thinking positively. Will know soon. Will put my life together soon. All of these are positives and we’re going to get that necessary June interview date.

Positivity.